Amy (cutedestruction) wrote,
Amy
cutedestruction

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Independence?

Yes, I'm one of those people that stood in line for Harry Potter in the middle of the night. I really couldn't work up an enthusiasm for it, as I wasn't going with anyone. It turned out to be one of those 'alone in a crowd' nights. You never feel quite as alone as you do when you're surrounded by people that completely ignore your existence. I tend to either really like these or feel terribly lonely; tonight was a "yay" night for that.

Sometimes I think that I'm only myself when I'm alone. Sometimes I think that, instead, I'd just disappear entirely. Because there is very little 'me' that exists without a person to compare to, for me to react to. I seem to always be someone's sidekick, backdrop, supporter, analyst, etc etc. There is no Me, per se. Or that's what I think sometimes anyway. So when I'm alone I tend to get this unalterable, unfeeling 'quiet'. It can be nice. I feel like I can melt into it sometimes.

I didn't notice what was going on in the store. I grabbed a comic and read it, grabbed a copy of Wired and read it, but my mind wasn't really on the words.

As soon as I got out into the parking lot, book in hand, I noticed that the moon was setting into the mountains. It was just this huge orange slice, getting eaten up by jagged edges. It reminded me why I like to be out late, especially when no one else is.

When I got home, I looked up at the stars. I haven't done that much lately...I think it's because I'm trying not to set my mind up for wanting what it can't have. But the stars....I dunno, I connect to them somehow. Staring at them, no one else around and no distractions, it's about as close to meditating as I think I'll be able to get. Again, there was the Quiet. I wonder if I'll ever get to do anything with them. I wonder if I'd be happy if I got a job off in a state I don't know, working at a space job. Part of me thinks it'd be nice to be unconnected; another thinks I'd just float away. Then again, the last time I moved to parts unknown, I immediately found others to lean on. Maybe that'd happen again.

I think being around certain people makes me a better person, but on nights like tonight, I don't know if I want to be changed at all. I'm sure this feeling will pass by tomorrow. It always seems to....

I'd be so determined in my actions; if only I knew what it is I want.
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