Amy (cutedestruction) wrote,

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I'm a huge knot. Have been since I started looking. I guess its tighter now.

I still don't have a job. I've lowered my expectations twice now- into September and I'll be moving it down again, into the 'All right, I don't care if it has anything to do with my skills' range. I really don't want to go into that range. That is the range of 'maybe someday you'll get out of this job and go do something with your life'.

I'm applying to everything I see online. And quite a few things not-online. I spend 4-6 hours on it a day (could be 8...). My skills are odd and no one wants me. I can learn new things and I will do so if I get hired somewhere, but no amount of assurance in my cover letter is going to make up for the giant gaping hole of the past two years. If you can have someone who's been working vs. someone who's been 'ill' for two years, who would you pick?

I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I feel tugged in fifty different directions, but when I walk down those paths, suddenly it's no longer interested in me. The only thing I'm reasonably good at right now is writing in role-playing scenarios, and what the hell is that going to do for me?

I've been sick for the past three weeks with a sinus infection and the fibro is making it difficult to tell whether the meds are working or not. I wonder if I even have a chance, on my own....if a sinus infection can make me so pathetic for so long...a small voice inside my head says that I really do want to be sick- after all, there are people who would take care of me. Maybe I just want to be sick forever and then I won't have to do anything. I hate that voice.

I've been pulling myself in so I don't have to deal with things. I'm sorry if I haven't talked to you or said hi in awhile. I apologize for forgetting important things. Sorry for being such a rotten friend lately. None of what I say is going to matter until I feel like myself again and not some whiny teenager. If I could just get a job...some direction...I hope know I'd be better.

The staffing company position seems to have fallen through. There's no way I'm going to get money in time to make it to Kumoricon, which is...fine, I guess. Cons aren't that important in the grand scheme of things even though this one sounds like the best thing ever. I got to do a lot of things this summer that I probably didn't deserve, so I should just be grateful for that. Still, people who are going and have somehow made it past the angst this far... take pictures, okay? :-)

I feel like I'm shouting into the void. There's nothing to do but keep at it, I guess.
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