Amy (cutedestruction) wrote,

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Well...I guess writing in my five other journals wasn't enough, so I come back here.

Okay, so it's just three. And they're roleplaying journals. All my writing energy has gone into those. I've written some damn good things with them, too- but they have to be put in context, and the context is...odd.

But sometimes when I have a migraine, writing helps. Writing and coffee and prescription drugs and alcohol. Perfect combination. So I've been writing a lot the past few days. And maybe I should try a reintroduction here.

Hi, I'm Amy. I don't have the excuse of nothing happening to not have been writing in here the past six months. I've been trying to get my head straightened out somewhat, but I don't think it's going to straighten completely. I've been working at Hollywood Video since September, and I'm going to be promoted to Assistant Manager in a few weeks. It's a pretty good job, even if it makes no use of any thinking skills whatsoever. I probably have what it takes to make one of the higher rungs of management, if I keep working my ass off. I've been working my ass off so that I'll have health insurance before mine runs out. ...I'm going to miss it by a month, and if they take my chronic illness and my neck surgery as pre-existing conditions, I might as well not have insurance at all.

But the fact remains that I'm healthier than I've been in almost a decade, and I can actually work now. So that's what I'm doing. I'm still living in my parents' house, but plan on moving out once I get the full-time managerial position. I don't know if I can actually support myself that way, but I have to get it a shot. I'm beyond sick of being here. Not paying $400 a month for COBRA will help quite a bit, I'm hoping.

It's possible that I haven't been writing in here for the simple fact that people I know read it now. So I don't know what to say about certain things, because I don't want them to worry or feel awkward. Maybe no one's reading this by now, though, eh?

So I won't go into details, but I will say that during the second half of last year, I started up a relationship with someone that was doomed to fail- and it did, rather decisively, over New Year's. But we're giving it a shot at just being friends, and we still try to support each other with things, and it feels weird, but maybe the distance is a good thing.

Maybe I need more distance.

I remember two years ago, when I had nothing to do and nothing I could do. I could barely talk to the friends I had left, and I didn't WANT to, because all I had to tell them was 'oh, yeah, I spent six hours watching soap operas with my Mom today because I didn't have the energy to walk upstairs'. Not exactly stuff you want to get into with people who are frantically searching for jobs.

That was distance. ...Maybe I don't need that.

But I have to tell you, sometimes the temptation to just throw as much as I can in my car and keep driving, somewhere I've never been and where people wouldn't think to look- sometimes that's really strong. Because if I can work retail, and my current job is proving to me that I can, then I can go anywhere. And then I can just hide.

I'd like to write. I'd like to write and get paid for it, but the only inspiration I've had lately has been the roleplaying, and there's no way that can even be transmuted into something that's not breaking fifty million copyright laws. Oh, well. I'd like to write my own story, anyway. I don't know if I could, if the pressure were on. I'm not so good with pressure.

I'm going to try to get transferred to Florida. Then I can work on things with my friends, and maybe we can all get somewhere on that stuff together, if we're supporting each other. And it has the added bonus of placing me far, far away from any obligations I'd have to my family.

That sort of lessens that temptation to hide. I still have this fear, though, that I'm never going to understand relationships with anyone...that I'm incapable of balancing the taking advantage of someone with the being taken advantage of...and that's what it almost always seems to come down to. I'm afraid I'll fuck up whatever I try, because I just don't understand how these things are supposed to work. It's not an uncommon fear, by any stretch of the imagination, and I know that. I guess I'll just have to see how it all goes.
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